Re-Learning Free Money
Another time, in a different place: I just finished delivering a handful of stops all over God’s creation and I’m starving. So starving that I might just fall over at any moment. So starving I can’t even find the strength to write anymore. I’ll end up finding the nearest fast food joint and fork over too much money for food that will just make me feel, well, not so good. After that, I’ll patiently await my first heart attack.
Looking back it seems like someone else wrote everything that was written in the previous two paragraphs, but I have to give credit to my old self for those shenanigans. I say “old self” because things are a-changing: I’m on a learning spree!
There were two problems going on up there, one was my horrible addiction to wheel polish, the other fast food. What is the common denominator? Money. How did I pay for all this stuff? I’m pretty crafty when it comes to spending money (I’m married - I have to be) so that part came easy.
When I first started driving for Schneider way back when, they gave me a little credit card that was called a Comdata card. When I started with my present company they gave me one called a T-check card. Most truckers today have one or the other and their purpose is pretty much the same. They are used to pay for fueling the trucks but they also have an evil side: the always-dangerous payday advance.
My problem is I don’t think of it as an advance; I like to think of it as “free money.” To me, any money my Wife doesn’t know about, and money I don’t have to ask for, really is free money! This theory served me quite well until one day I accidentally left one of my pay stubs laying around our kitchen. Big mistake. My Wife just happened to take a close look at it and noticed the little part where the advances are deducted. As I recall, the conversation went something like this:
Her: “Jason Harry, what the (expletive) did you (expletive) spend one hundred eighty (expletive) dollars on?”
Me: “I don’t know. Guess I got hungry.”
Her: I Only recall hearing my name and lots more expletives. It wasn’t good.
I think part of the problem is that we “see” money differently. Actually, correction: I don’t see money at all. I leave for work on a Sunday, come back on Friday, open my mailbox and take out my pay envelope. I usually say “wow, that’s an awful lot of money for so much fun” then run home and beg my Wife to let me spend some with reckless abandon. I never even once double-checked my paycheck against my mileage and how many stops I do because it always seems like enough.
My Wife, on the other hand, is the certified bean counter. Apparently, having a nice home filled with five darn kids can create a delicate financial situation, and I guess it’s good there is someone to balance out my recklessness. Heck, just this past weekend I strolled into our kitchen on a lazy Sunday morning and asked my beautiful Bride for our debit card. I recall this conversation quite clearly:
Me: “Morning honey, can I have the debit card?”
Her: “For what?”
Me: “Dell has a laptop advertised on the back of Parade Magazine for six hundred bucks and I thought I’d order one up.”
Her: “Are you on crack?”
Seemed like a good deal to me, and I could really use a new laptop, but apparently now isn’t the time. Fiddlesticks.
Now my Wife knows about my horrible habit of using my T-check card for enormous advances but since I don’t always play fair, I take great joy in calling it my “free money card,” in her presence, every opportunity I get. I called her from the Pilot Truck stop in Binghamton, NY one day and was literally standing next to my truck looking at a truck wash across the street. I asked her if I could get my truck washed and she informed me that we do not have money for that this week. I replied that I still had money available on my free money card and she yelled through the phone (one of hundreds of times I heard her yell this) “ITS NOT FREE MONEY!!!”
I refuse to ever stop calling it my “free money card” only because she seems to enjoy it so much. Still, I decided it was time to make some changes and learn some different ways of thinking and living, especially out on the road. After all, I may even end up saving some money (and hopefully avoid that first heart attack!).
Actually, I got extremely lucky and the first problem solved itself! My new truck is equipped with wheels manufactured by Alcoa. A few years back, their genius scientists invented what’s called a “Dura-Bright” wheel. That basically meant they never needed to be polished, just wash and go, and to be honest I wasn’t much of a fan. To me, they kind of looked like a spray-on suntan, kind of good but not really quite right.
Since Geniuses like to improve upon themselves, the scientists went back to the drawing board and invented “Dura-Bright wheels with XBR (extra bright) technology”. My truck has these sparkly jewels and let me just say, “I’m a fan!” The most work I put into them now is dusting them off every other day or so with some quick detail spray followed by periodically taking hundreds of pictures and later emailing them to my friends whose trucks are not so well equipped. (Sorry Gary, it’s all in good fun.) Not only is it less work, saving me lots of time (probably twenty weeks a year), I’m also saving millions of dollars a year in wheel polish. (Hear that Darling? I’m saving US millions of dollars a year!)
With one problem solved, I turned my attention to the food issue. My problem with food is that I like it simple and quick. I’ll never wait in line at a restaurant, fancy or not. I’ll never dress up for a dinner reservation at some fancy joint serving food I never heard of. I’m a ‘jeans and t-shirt’ kind of guy and that description of me spills over to my relationship with food. When I’m out on the road, time is always an issue and I find it convenient to run inside a fast food joint, scarf my meal down in record time and hit the bricks again as quickly as possible. Another problem I had was the lack of snacks between breakfast and lunch - once I start delivering, I don’t stop ‘til the last drop is done. By that time I am usually weak and close to complete and total starvation. This needed to change.
Admittedly, I probably wouldn’t have changed my ways without some help from my friends. A conversation I had with my friend Doug set off the learning-chain-of-events. We were chatting along one day when somehow the subject of food came up. Doug was talking about getting food for his truck and I said “oh yeah, I should do that sometime.” I mentioned how much money I blow through on a weekly basis and Doug made a face of disgust and disbelief that mirrored my Wife’s when I talk about free money (only hers is much prettier). I mentioned how I buy cups of cereal from our local convenience store for $1.49 a clip and Doug looked like he wanted to vomit. Turns out I could buy a whole box from the grocery store for way less than I pay for five in a week! Who knew?
Sometime after my conversation with Doug, I was perusing Facebook and I came upon a picture that my friend Gary shared of his truck refrigerator. I couldn’t believe it! There was stuff all over inside, containers of food all neatly stacked up, drinks ready to go, it’s almost like he planned he might be hungry in the upcoming week. I called my Wife over and said, “Look at his fridge! It’s wonderful! I should do that too!” She rolled her eyes and walked away saying something about that’s what normal people do. I silently wondered why I couldn’t ever be normal; I didn’t dare say it out loud because she might have echoed my sentiment. I also thought of the fridge in my truck and how it almost always sits empty and how my microwave is barely, if ever, fired up. I was determined to change that.
Unfortunately, since I am not completely normal, my first adventure to the local supermarket involved a bit of trauma. I scooped up a small shopping cart that was just my size and looked forward to learning how to buy things for a week on the road. I found wonderful sandwiches I could stick in the microwave and heat up, yogurts for snacks and Hot Pockets for breakfast and drinks to go along with everything! I even found one whole box of cereal! It all would have been a fine visit to the store had I not decided to make a trip to the salad-bar (this would be my pre-departure lunch), which also wouldn’t have been a problem until I made a bad decision when checking out.
As I approached the checkout on that fateful Sunday, I was dismayed at how long the checkout lines were and I could just picture my truck a block up the road getting all antsy and wondering when we’re going to get going if we plan on being on time. I was feeling overcome with boldness given all my recent learning and made the bad decision of walking up to the self-checkout area. I knew full well I could probably handle it up to the salad-bar part of things, but I tried to pretend it wouldn’t be a problem.
Things were going really great; I was in a great flow of “beep-throw-into-bag-beep-throw into-bag” when a pretty girl got in line right behind me. I remember thinking “great, now the pressure is on, why couldn’t she just go to some other checkout?” I did my best to continue on and then finally, all I had was an empty shopping cart except for the salad-bar box that was looking up at me and smiling, as if to say “now what are you going to do buddy?”
I tried not to panic but I could feel the beads of sweat on my forehead and my entire body started to feel several hundred degrees warmer. I picked up the salad bar box. I set it on the metal surface on the checkout area. Then I began pushing buttons on the screen randomly until I realized I would never figure it out. By now, I could feel the gaze of the pretty girl and could almost hear her thoughts of “why couldn’t I have just gotten in line behind a normal person?” My panic got the best of me and I turned to her and blurted out “I have no idea what I’m doing, I can’t figure out what to do with this salad!”
Perhaps she felt sorry for me or she was thinking about her impatient car in the parking lot and how they had to get somewhere; whatever the case she became a great help and possibly saved me from a complete and total meltdown. She helped me find the correct button, weigh it and then properly dispose of it in my shopping bag. Actually I thought she may have found me completely moronic because she stayed right with me, pointing out the next buttons to push right to the end, including paying for my purchase (and getting my change). I kept on panicking and yelling out random things right to the end, including “where’s my receipt, don’t I get a receipt?” She pointed out where that was; I thanked her profusely and we said our goodbyes.
I really wanted to let her know that I’m not a complete moron and wanted to say “Can you believe I can fly airplanes and can back a tractor trailer across three lanes of traffic into a space that doesn’t look near big enough?” Unfortunately, my brain was too frazzled to make coherent sentences and I sulked away to the parking lot and loaded my bags so I could get to my inpatient truck and our next adventure. To this day I am convinced she is somewhere telling someone about the total dunce she saw in the supermarket. The only good part of that mess is the next time I purchase a salad from the salad bar and use the self-checkout; I’ll know what I’m doing! I just hope I remember…..
As of this writing, I am three weeks into my new lifestyle and the results have been extremely favorable. I was getting ready to leave the house on a recent Wednesday when I looked into my wallet and saw a bunch of twenty-dollar bills staring back at me. I did some quick math and yelled to my Wife (who was standing nearby) “I can’t believe it; I only spent fifty bucks so far!” “It’s only Wednesday” she replied and I quickly retorted that usually by now I’d be well into a hundred. She mumbled something about “that’s how it works when you don’t spend needlessly and plan properly” and I asked her why I didn’t start this five years ago? “Can you imagine all the money I would have saved?” She shook her head and walked away, something she seems to do a lot, most likely while wondering why she didn’t end up marrying a normal person.
Besides all the greenness in my wallet, I have learned that not only is it not too time consuming to make my own food right inside my truck, but also I feel noticeably better. After a 500 plus mile day I don’t feel so tired and otherwise wiped out. As of now I have only consumed fast food twice (in three weeks) and that was only because I was feeling naughty and rebellious at the time, but regretted it later in some shape or form. I never knew I could feel so good just by eating healthier, unless of course I’m at home consuming food my Wife cooked up. (Sorry folks, I had to throw that in there because I think she likes when I mock her cooking almost as much as when I talk about my “free money card.)
The only big question remaining in my mind at this point is what to do with all the money I am saving. A couple things come to mind like a new laptop, regular tarot card readings, and possibly even a bottle or two of spray-on suntan lotion. Darn, I could even get my truck washed a couple times a week! On second thought, maybe there is nothing wrong with doing nothing with my “free money” besides saving it. I guess I have some more learning to do.
Comments
Gary
And isn't life so much better sans fast food? I've cut it out of my diet nearly completely... only when feeling naughty and rebellious do I give in and have a bigmac, fries and a milkshake ala McD's.
GiGi, thanks and I crack myself up too. I'm not allowed by law-of-the-Wife, to carry a debit card without supervision so my T-check has served me well with advances. Hopefully it will serve me better now. And don't get me started on credit cards, we got into trouble with those plastic pieces of pure evil also but I had nothing to do to with that. Nothing at all, no sir-ee! :)